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Jacob P



It was partly sunny, with a slight crosswind. I looked at the sky, and saw the beauty of it all, and I always wanted to build higher than the limit. I just started this simulation, where you make a nation and you get stuff, like political freedoms, civil rights, and economy. Then, an idea just flew from heaven and whacked me in the head. I ran inside, got some paper that was slightly torn, and a pen that had no cap.
I started listing off ideas to get to the clouds. Make a real estate business? No, too boring. Play video games? Not enough money. Make a country? N... Wait... Yeah that's it!
I then started listing off names. United States of Turkey? Do I have any imagination? The Dictatorship of Jacob? Really? The Grand Duchy of East Michigan? Yep, let's do that!
"Mom, what's a grand duchy?" I holler to my mom.
"Look it up, J," my mother yells back.
I jump on the computer and look up a grand duchy. "A grand duchy is a country ruled by a grand duke, like a dictatorship," Google Lady said. I yawned, and went to bed, and I dreamed until Monday.
When I woke up, I usually wake up at 5 am, because my brother has night terrors. I started making ideas, like a website, and a parliament, which is a place that votes on stuff. The day went by fast and 10 people joined.
The next day came, and I heard about something called "The East Michigan Rebellion." I thought, that's not even how you spell rebellion! Supposedly, Jacob[B1]  was spreading rumors around that we were going to stage a coup a , which means take over completely, the Joberts Classroom Council. I was totally enraged. People were asking questions, and if I answered truthfully, they would not believe me. I thought, they trust Jake more than the duke? I realized that I might be a dictator, so we made the Republic of East Michigan. We elected new people to do stuff.
When I got home to check my email, I got a lot of mean emails. "Moron." "U are a fat idiot."  and other nasty remarks. I sent emails to Mr. Joseph, Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Nast, and Ok 2 Say, about my suicidal thoughts about these emails. They said stuff like, "Don't die, because you are very important to me." I walked away from the computer, and got no sleep.
When I got to school, East Michigan is doing well again. We have an economy, a currency, a real flag, and an alliance with West Dakota. We have 22 people willing to be part of this micro-nation. Would you consider joining?

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 [B1]Which Jacob? Jacob L? Clarify to avoid confusion.

Ryan L:

There I was,  My y brother and I on Halloween[B1] [B2] .  We were waiting for Daniel and my brother’s friend Kai[B3] .

First Kai comes. Then we eat dinner[B4] .  me Alex and Kai all say "the pizza was the worst"

Then we play a little video games[B5] 

When Daniel comes[B6] 

we[B7]  start the first house[B8]  I’m  running. my hat falls off my head.

“Dang it!”

 “Yea,  first house! iIget one king Snickers. -  yes[B9] .

 We yell "Thank You."

We’re running to the next house.

 “Wow a king Skittle!

“Yyea again a king size[B10] .

We are running we all say, "Awesome! 2 for 2 lets make it 3 for 3”

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 [B1]Explain where you were.

 [B2]Explain how excited you were.

 [B3]Explain what the plan was for trick or treating.

 [B4]Talk more about dinner. What was on the pizza? Why didn’t you like it?

 [B5]What were they called?

 [B6]What did you say?  Did you talk about your plan? Where were you in your house with Daniel?

 [B7]Explain how trick-or-treating works in your neighborhood. How has it been for you in the past?

 [B8]Describe this house. How far was it from your house? What did it look like? Were there decorations?

 [B9]Who’s talking here? Tell the reader who’s who in this dialogue.

 [B10]Explain what was so thrilling about getting a king size candy

Alex K

My Surprising Sleep Over

It was a perfect day. I just arrived at my friends house. I was so excited because I haven't seen my friend Daniel in a long time. I think it was like 8 months ago since I've seen him. I was walking towards his house. I pressed the ding-dong bell. Then a unfamiliar face appeared as the person opened the door. It was Daniel's cousin. Then my friend Daniel came. I said hi as I walked in to everyone. I was so pumped up. We first went up the stairs and went in Daniels room. We were just talking then we happened to play games on our iPad. Then my friend said "do you want to go outside". I said "sure". So we Wales down the stairs. Went to the garage. Opened the door and we were outside. Daniel said he will show me this really cool place. So we went to this hill that was bordered with wheat. As we walked along he said "do you want to make bow staff" I answered "sure". So he taught me. "First you gather up wheat and stack them, then you tie it together with a string of wheat. Then you're done". So we did. I was in the middle of gathering wheat when Daniel said let's go in the woods. It was right next to us. We were hiking across the woods. It was super cool. We were going downwards it was really steep. Daniel and I were slipping and bumping into each other. It was one of the best moments of my life. After we were done. Right at the end I saw a tree trunk. Some one cut the trunk. There was food on it. He said animals eat it. Then there was a sandy trail. It lead to a farm. That grows fresh fruits, vegetables, and plants. We walked to the farm. My friend said we can pick the fruits and vegetables. Now I was even more energetic. I've never ever been in a farm that you could pick fruits and vegetables for free. Plus there was this water pumping thing where you keep pushing down the lever and then water comes out. I even saw onions. There was this really cool plant where you rub the bud and then it smells like popcorn. It was called the popcorn plant. I picked some jalapeño peppers, basil leaves, lettuce, baby tomatoes and some other kind of peppers. We also picked something that looks exactly like bamboo but my friend said it's some kind of other plant. I put all the fruits and vegetables in my pocket and we both carried the bamboo like plants when we found a tractor with there was another cargo thing that carries people cause you know when you go apple picking you ride on tractors, yah. We just sat there for about a minute or two. Then we got off the cargo and my friend
asked me if I want to go around a museum and of course I said yes because who wouldn't go. I followed him and there it was a pleasant museum sitting with the park and there was a wedding there so we didn't want to interfere with  the wedding so we took a step away from it. The museum was closed but the park was beautiful. My friend showed some of the artificial ponds one of them had frogs in them. We were searching for the frogs. Then we had to go back to Daniel's house because we could do more fun stuff at Daniel's house. My friend said we couldn't go to the river because it might wash us away. The current is really fast. So we went back. First we walked in the sandy trail. Next is the hard part. We're going up hill. Plus it's super steep. We talked while we were hiking through the woods. When you look sideways it's basically a cliff. It was pretty far down. If I fell in the hillside...I'd be dead. I finally reached the top, but that's not all. We have to keep walking for like 15 seconds. We are here. On the grassy hill. That was bordered with wheat. I saw my bow-staff. Hiding in the wheat like it's about to pounce on it's prey. We both put the bamboo like sticks on the wheat.
Now we were off heading to Daniel's house. The sun was intense. I was sweating so much. We went
across the street and went through the garage door. We set our fresh fruits and vegetables down the counter[B1] [B2] .

Now we both crawled up the stairs really fast, like monkeys. Like always we went to Daniel's room. I picked up the iPad that I left before we took off outside in the burning sun. I went to the AppStore and got 3 new apps. I was so happy so we started playing the game. We even talked to. I'm pretty sure we played for about one hour and thirty minutes. I was so dizzy. It felt like the world tore apart. Then it felt like we've played games to long, so I suggested if we could go outside. Daniel said "we'll play capture the flag. As we were heading outside, a visitor came. It was one of my sister's friend. My sister appeared with her new friend and greeted my sister's friend together. Now we asked that if they want to play capture the flag. They accepted our offer. So we split the teams. The teams were...

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 [B1]You can probably delete everything from here down. Focus on adding TADD to the story above.

 [B2]What is the heart of the story? Why did you write this? What are you trying to teach the reader? Write that into the story.

Teresa A

I was on the way to my brother’s football game. I was with my sister and my mom on the way to meet our dad and aunt. I[B1] [B2]  got there and we sat down next to them. We both saw Michael's friends. There were five boys sitting next to each other with the all same hair cut cheering for Michael[B3]  My sister new some of them because when she graduated they were going into their second year at Seaholm. we watched the game start my brother played center he was number 72 but number 74 at home games[B4]  he slammed into the other player and they fell right on their back. Then the announcer said "Michael Aquino with a tackle on number 23[B5] !"

The crowd went wild and everyone was cheering[B6] . Later in the game it was four to zero our lead. My dad’s friend Todd was sitting next to us and his son was playing too.  His name was Blaire. He was QB and he threw to my brother’s friend Andrew. Andrew ran down the line and jumped into the end zone. It was now 5 to 0,  still our lead.

My brother played the whole game! When it was  halftime they took off their helmets and their heads were steaming[B7] . my sister and I laughed. It was 6-0 and the game ended leaving us wining then I remember it was the last game. My mom said "I’m glad I don't have to clean that stinking helmet again[B8] ".

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 [B1]Add dialogue in here.

 [B2]What were you thinking on the way to the game?

 [B3]What did their cheers sound like?

 [B4]What is the job of a center?

 [B5]Did he play offense and defense? Explain.

 [B6]What did it look like and sound like?

 [B7]What did the steaming head look like?

 [B8]What is the heart of this story? What do you want the reader to learn about after reading it? Make sure you end with that.